Well, it has been a while since I last posted. I didn't mean for that to be the case! But, as usually happens when life happens, things got in the way. And here we are at the beginning of 2010 and my head is not quite here with us in the New Year. But it will get there, it always does.
2009-year-of-singing was a tough year. Musically & personally, it was a year of great ups-and-downs. Not just for me, but for the people around me too. It was full of challenges in places I didn't expect to have challenges!
I didn't sing as much as I had wanted. I put a lot of effort into trying to find gigs, writing to so many venues (over and over and over and yes, over) often-times with no response. But, I set up gigs in Perth, Melbourne, Esperance, New York, London, Iowa City & Chicago. There's some big cities in there! I should be proud of myself, and yet instead I think of places like San Francisco, LA, St Louis, Portland & Sydney that I never heard back from. Places that didn't even write to me to say, "No, we don't want you, we think you suck!". But, I don't think I suck (or maybe I am just an imbecile banging her head on a wall in doing this? Where does this blind faith come from?), - I just think I didn't find the right places. And that's ok, I will try different places this year. Because I am not giving up. It's not about the blind faith or some sort of stoic determination, it's just because it is what I have to do. Shit, not even what I *have* to do, just what I do. Music is just what I do because I want to.
In 2009 I also wrote, I drew, I made art, I read, I played a little guitar, and I worked really hard on the thing I love.
Yes, we came back to NY. I love it, but I feel sick! I am super-duper excited that I got my old job back (see what I mean by back where we started?), but it is now only part-time - which gives me more time to work on my own thing, and not so much money to enjoy NY (which is greatly enjoyed with some cash!). I thought about getting another part-time job - waitressing, bar-tending, retail, office, anything - but everything makes me feel sick. Really sick. Nope, I gotta stick with this. I don't know what I am doing, don't know where I am going, have no direction & get dizzy when I start thinking about what to 'do next' (really, it becomes physical - my head swarms with all the things I am 'supposed to do' - get an agent, record deal, publishing deal, practice, write more, do covers, or not, what genre am I? where do I belong? Should I try and tour? How? How do I become someone's support act? Who should I try and meet? I get STUNTED!!!). So, I am trying to just sit here, and tell myself to write the best new album that I can. That is all that is important for now. I can try and get gigs ONCE A WEEK! I don't have to be attached to the computer every second updating blogs, EPK's, Facebook, Myspace, Reverbnation, SonicBids, Twitter, etsy (oh yes, believe it, I started an Etsy store!), 'fixing' my website aaaahhhh!! I am gonna go insane!
But I feel like this year music is going to change for me again. You know those years? I remember when I went through starting to play originals after singing jazz standards for many years. I was scared that people wouldn't like it, that they wouldn't get it. I have been thinking lately about trying to please audiences more, reaching out to a bigger and wider audience, and what would they want from me? But when it boils down to it, I can only be myself. I don't know what I am doing, except being me. I don't know how to be anything else, nor do I want to be. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes not. Sometimes I write happy songs, mostly not. Sometimes its jazz, sometimes not. But, I can tell you one thing, it is all me, baby!
So, what do I want to in 2010?
Sing.
Cook. (I started a blog called Bessie Pearl's Ledger, all about recipes from my Great-Grandma, - and am having the BEST time).
Write.
See more of my friends.
I think I just might be able to manage that! I hope you'll join me as I write about it along the way!
Happy 2010!
xx n
